I volunteered at a soup kitchen today and I don't know how to feel about it. I feel good that I was able to help the less fortunate yet it also brought up memories of when I was going through that. I really don't want the flashbacks to come back but today made me like one was going to attack me from nowhere. I don't want to live in fear of an attack but at the same time I have to be on the lookout for if one where to arise. Whenever I go into a building I look for an easy spot to hide if an attack were to happen. For most people that doesn't seem normal, but that is my normal. I have to find a safe spot in a building because I'm always on edge. I don't know what to do anymore because every therapist, psychiatrist, and psychologist keep saying that I need exposure. Well I'm done with exposure, I just want the damn fear to go away.
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Do people really believe that anxiety makes you look cool or attractive or is it that they would like attention for being "different?" I ask because people seem to ask me about my anxiety and then repeat the behaviors I exhibit or tell them about. I mean sure go and wash your hand several times a day to make yourself cool and interesting, and not because you are terrified of being sick or getting an infection. Sure, don't go to class because it's cool, and not because you are terrified of your teacher calling on you. I mean it's absurd how many people do this and think this will get them some form of popularity. I think that's why people become passive about these things because people think its cool and trendy to have these thoughts or do these actions. This is why I don't open up to many people because I don't want people to feel as though I'm copying someone else's behavior. I mean when I open up to people I get responses that make me fee
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